I WAS RAPED!!!
BY: ANN JUSTIN
ONLINE COUNSELOR, STEP OUT
He was suddenly on top of her in the back seat of the car where she had been sleeping. He was a big fellow and he was tearing at her clothes and unzipping his fly! She cried out, startled awake. He stifled her with a hand over her mouth, saying, "If you make a noise or don't cooperate, I will HURT you, I promise!"
She saw herself hurt somehow, or worse, dead, tossed out in the middle of nowhere in the night, and she decided her only choice at that point was to comply, knowing it was her only possible chance of staying alive.
She hated herself for it but she decided she had to do a good job of the thing if she was going to help herself at all in this situation. Make it good for him, a little voice urged. He was big. It hurt. But she did.
Pleased, he got off and returned to his driver seat. She felt so violated and ashamed. Stunned and numb. This couldn't be real. But it was. Every horrible minute of it.
He was carrying on a conversation about being hungry and finding a place to get something to eat. She felt filthy. She did not know what was going to happen to her from here on.
She hated herself for it but she decided she had to do a good job of the thing if she was going to help herself at all in this situation. Make it good for him, a little voice urged. He was big. It hurt. But she did.
Pleased, he got off and returned to his driver seat. She felt so violated and ashamed. Stunned and numb. This couldn't be real. But it was. Every horrible minute of it.
He was carrying on a conversation about being hungry and finding a place to get something to eat. She felt filthy. She did not know what was going to happen to her from here on.
It was the early 70's. She was 23. She was hitchhiking across Canada with a girl friend "to see how big it was". It was a lark.
They had some weed (those were hippy days), some crisp bread and peanut butter in their nap sacks, a few teabags for wherever they could get some hot water, and very little else.
They camped or stayed in youth hostels. They smoked dope and went skinny dipping with some other hikers near Medicine Hat. It was fun.
However, she and her friend argued about something and split up. She found some other girls to travel with. It was cool.
They eventually found a ride, a good one, going far enough for all of them. It was ok until the other girls all got out at different points of the trip and she was left alone with this man, who had seemed nice enough. She was headed to Quebec, but meeting up with her original friend in Montreal first. He was going in her direction.
They had some weed (those were hippy days), some crisp bread and peanut butter in their nap sacks, a few teabags for wherever they could get some hot water, and very little else.
They camped or stayed in youth hostels. They smoked dope and went skinny dipping with some other hikers near Medicine Hat. It was fun.
However, she and her friend argued about something and split up. She found some other girls to travel with. It was cool.
They eventually found a ride, a good one, going far enough for all of them. It was ok until the other girls all got out at different points of the trip and she was left alone with this man, who had seemed nice enough. She was headed to Quebec, but meeting up with her original friend in Montreal first. He was going in her direction.
She and her friends had met a lot of very good, helpful people on their trip so far. People who fed them, who took them to convenient hitchhiking spots, or to the door of a hostel they knew. It was a wonderful time of adventure. They were high in more ways than one. Now this.
He had appeared to be a nice, friendly man, engaging them in conversation and laughing with them. But in all essence, he was a stranger, an unknown quantity. It was a front.
He had appeared to be a nice, friendly man, engaging them in conversation and laughing with them. But in all essence, he was a stranger, an unknown quantity. It was a front.
It was late and she was still with him. He had been driving into the night. He pulled over and parked in a secluded spot somewhere on the edge of Lake Superior. He said he was tired. He told her he needed to nap and she would be more comfortable in the back seat and could have a nap too. She did that and they both fell asleep.
That's when everything unraveled. He was not at all the nice man she had thought he was. He was something else. She wondered how many women he had done this to. How many women had he raped?
He drove to a restaurant somewhere in or near Sault St. Marie. She cannot forget that name. Someone once said they were from there and it just gave her the shivers as she remembered the horrible experience that had happened somewhere close to that area.
They went in to the restaurant. She felt "naked", throughly exposed, in front of people. Trembling and tearful, she went to the washroom and cleaned herself up as much as she could, feeling sick and dirty. She wanted every bit of him off of her. She was terribly scared.
That's when everything unraveled. He was not at all the nice man she had thought he was. He was something else. She wondered how many women he had done this to. How many women had he raped?
He drove to a restaurant somewhere in or near Sault St. Marie. She cannot forget that name. Someone once said they were from there and it just gave her the shivers as she remembered the horrible experience that had happened somewhere close to that area.
They went in to the restaurant. She felt "naked", throughly exposed, in front of people. Trembling and tearful, she went to the washroom and cleaned herself up as much as she could, feeling sick and dirty. She wanted every bit of him off of her. She was terribly scared.
Everything looked so "normal" to others, but she was afraid for her life. How could she get help? Who could she tell? How could she escape? How could she possibly sit with this man who had abused her and defiled her body? She had no idea what to do and was numb. She had no idea how long she had stayed in the washroom, debating her situation. Time had stood still.
She felt she had no choice but to go out. He was waiting. Tea was on the table. Everything "normal" was absurdly distorted, a misshapen, complete farce. She did not know how to cope.
She sat down and had tea and something to eat. Her stomach churned and the sound of his voice grated horribly in her mind but there was nowhere to go and nothing she felt she could do.
Finished, he got up to leave. She felt she could not make a fuss. She was scared. She did not understand herself or her actions but she followed and got back into this vehicle with this man.
He drove to the outskirts of Montreal. He pulled up to a motel, and told her to go in and book a room while he watched from the car. That's how she ended up getting a room in her own name. She felt helpless. She has no explanation otherwise for what she did.
She felt she had no choice but to go out. He was waiting. Tea was on the table. Everything "normal" was absurdly distorted, a misshapen, complete farce. She did not know how to cope.
She sat down and had tea and something to eat. Her stomach churned and the sound of his voice grated horribly in her mind but there was nowhere to go and nothing she felt she could do.
Finished, he got up to leave. She felt she could not make a fuss. She was scared. She did not understand herself or her actions but she followed and got back into this vehicle with this man.
He drove to the outskirts of Montreal. He pulled up to a motel, and told her to go in and book a room while he watched from the car. That's how she ended up getting a room in her own name. She felt helpless. She has no explanation otherwise for what she did.
She was afraid. She just numbly followed his instructions. He had managed to exert total power over her. He had somehow stolen her identity, her ability to think and act outside what he wanted.
So he had her to himself and took again what he wanted. She hated herself all over again. In the morning he took her to a good hitchhiking spot and dropped her off. He handed her a piece of paper and said "When you get home, drop a postcard to this address." It was a post office box number with his name.
In the telling of this story, she begins to cry all over again and feel the shame of the whole incident. She feels that she was somehow complicit in covering up his crime. She thinks she enabled him to get away with it scot free. She submitted herself to his power. She feels that she completed his circle of self protection.
She cannot explain why she did exactly what he asked. She hid the shame of that for many, many years. She would tell some of the story but not that part. The shame was too great. She did not even tell her husband the entire story for many years.
So he had her to himself and took again what he wanted. She hated herself all over again. In the morning he took her to a good hitchhiking spot and dropped her off. He handed her a piece of paper and said "When you get home, drop a postcard to this address." It was a post office box number with his name.
In the telling of this story, she begins to cry all over again and feel the shame of the whole incident. She feels that she was somehow complicit in covering up his crime. She thinks she enabled him to get away with it scot free. She submitted herself to his power. She feels that she completed his circle of self protection.
She cannot explain why she did exactly what he asked. She hid the shame of that for many, many years. She would tell some of the story but not that part. The shame was too great. She did not even tell her husband the entire story for many years.
In fact, it was only when she was in her fifties that she attended a Christian conference as leader of a small group. She thought they could use the help of the conference content about to be presented. Little did she know or understand that she herself sorely needed the help that became available as the consequences of rape and sexual abuse were discussed in detail, and hope was offered for victims. She realized that this man who had raped her had exercised power over her for many many years now and she needed to be free of it.
She also came to understand the impact of another incident that had happened to her in her family home, many years before this rape. There were things she had accepted but never properly understood.
She had experienced inappropriate touching by a female sibling who had been estranged from their family for many years. This sibling had already experienced sexual abuse by relatives, young male cousins, at her very young age. When she came to live with them, the two girls shared a bed in their home, which they both thought was great. She did not know what it was that was being done to her, these new sensations, but it felt good, and she looked upon it, at the time, as a "gift" of love. Perhaps, in a sense, it was, in both her sibling's eyes and in hers, but that was in fact a distortion of the truth.
Later on, she experienced the same thing at a boarding school, where a cousin, the daughter of an abusive uncle, the father of the abusive cousins who had interfered with her own sibling, came into her bed and touched her in much the same way as her sibling had.
She also came to understand the impact of another incident that had happened to her in her family home, many years before this rape. There were things she had accepted but never properly understood.
She had experienced inappropriate touching by a female sibling who had been estranged from their family for many years. This sibling had already experienced sexual abuse by relatives, young male cousins, at her very young age. When she came to live with them, the two girls shared a bed in their home, which they both thought was great. She did not know what it was that was being done to her, these new sensations, but it felt good, and she looked upon it, at the time, as a "gift" of love. Perhaps, in a sense, it was, in both her sibling's eyes and in hers, but that was in fact a distortion of the truth.
Later on, she experienced the same thing at a boarding school, where a cousin, the daughter of an abusive uncle, the father of the abusive cousins who had interfered with her own sibling, came into her bed and touched her in much the same way as her sibling had.
Rape and any other form of sexual abuse, begets all kinds of falsehoods. It has an enormous and very deep seated impact on the life of the person on the receiving end of it.
Hers affected her marriage. Her sibling and herself both lacked trust as a consequence of those events in their lives.
Her sibling , on the one hand, did not trust herself with her own children, perhaps because she knew what she could do. In comparison to the sibling, she, on the other hand, lacked trust of others with her children and with her husband. She was overprotective and suspicious with her children in many ways and overly guarded against her husband's advances.
She also felt an attraction to women that she didn't understand. She never did act upon it, because it while it drew her, it also bothered her. That response and those thoughts originate somewhere, from things that happened in her past. Was she lesbian? She did not know. She never explored it, but she felt it.
At the close of the conference, she met with a very good lady counselor who heard her story in its entirety and helped her unload the burden of grief and shame she had carried with her all those years. She had blamed herself for the rape. She felt that she had created circumstances where such an obscene act of his became possible. Hitchhiking presented such opportunities, and especially alone with a stranger. She had felt it was her own fault.
She could not have gone to the police with what had happened and how it had unfolded. She had unwittingly destroyed evidence by needing to clean herself, to wash out his semen, and she had made herself appear to be complicit in his actions by following his instructions after the rape.
Hers affected her marriage. Her sibling and herself both lacked trust as a consequence of those events in their lives.
Her sibling , on the one hand, did not trust herself with her own children, perhaps because she knew what she could do. In comparison to the sibling, she, on the other hand, lacked trust of others with her children and with her husband. She was overprotective and suspicious with her children in many ways and overly guarded against her husband's advances.
She also felt an attraction to women that she didn't understand. She never did act upon it, because it while it drew her, it also bothered her. That response and those thoughts originate somewhere, from things that happened in her past. Was she lesbian? She did not know. She never explored it, but she felt it.
At the close of the conference, she met with a very good lady counselor who heard her story in its entirety and helped her unload the burden of grief and shame she had carried with her all those years. She had blamed herself for the rape. She felt that she had created circumstances where such an obscene act of his became possible. Hitchhiking presented such opportunities, and especially alone with a stranger. She had felt it was her own fault.
She could not have gone to the police with what had happened and how it had unfolded. She had unwittingly destroyed evidence by needing to clean herself, to wash out his semen, and she had made herself appear to be complicit in his actions by following his instructions after the rape.
Consequences of rape are severe and long lasting. She had met a man friend not long after the rape and he sensed a change in her. She told him the story. He closed himself off from her. She wanted the warmth of his touch and some verification that she could be loved, but he withdrew from her. She was numbed.
She met a number of men after that and had relations with them, trying to find herself but she had no feeling. She was empty. She was numb. She did not care. She just wanted to feel again, to be loved, but she could not achieve that.
She had eventually married but she had some problems sexually. If there was an unexpected touch, or if she felt any element of force or threat, she froze up and could not continue. It's not that her husband was a bad man. It was a result of the rape and other inappropriate touching she had experienced.
This lady counsellor heard her, all of her story, talked with her, counseled her, prayed with her, and she felt an entirely new sense of freedom! This man really had no power over her. What he had done was inexcusable. She was not to blame.
What her sibling and cousin had done was inappropriate and needed to be understood and dealt with as such. They did not know, but it was a result of their own abuse at the hand of others who had also been abused. Such a cycle.
She could confront that at last, in her 50's and she finally did. Though she encountered inevitable denial, the confrontation began a healing process for her. She had been given godly tools. She could be free of its hold over her.
As victims of rape, or the repercussions of rape, women are not to blame and God both can and will bring about healing and freedom in every such circumstance.
This counsellor she had met at the conference also helped her with regard to honest communications with her husband, which improved their situation in the end. She was so glad she met with this godly woman with all of the biblical advice that she made available.
She tells this story so that you can know that help is available. She wants you to know the following things:
Don't allow abuse to have power over you. Don't stay a victim. Find and face the truth with courage.
She also has this to say:
Take heart, all out there suffering from past abuse. God will help you find healing and freedom. He did that for her and she will be forever thankful.
It is her prayer for you too.
She met a number of men after that and had relations with them, trying to find herself but she had no feeling. She was empty. She was numb. She did not care. She just wanted to feel again, to be loved, but she could not achieve that.
She had eventually married but she had some problems sexually. If there was an unexpected touch, or if she felt any element of force or threat, she froze up and could not continue. It's not that her husband was a bad man. It was a result of the rape and other inappropriate touching she had experienced.
This lady counsellor heard her, all of her story, talked with her, counseled her, prayed with her, and she felt an entirely new sense of freedom! This man really had no power over her. What he had done was inexcusable. She was not to blame.
What her sibling and cousin had done was inappropriate and needed to be understood and dealt with as such. They did not know, but it was a result of their own abuse at the hand of others who had also been abused. Such a cycle.
She could confront that at last, in her 50's and she finally did. Though she encountered inevitable denial, the confrontation began a healing process for her. She had been given godly tools. She could be free of its hold over her.
As victims of rape, or the repercussions of rape, women are not to blame and God both can and will bring about healing and freedom in every such circumstance.
This counsellor she had met at the conference also helped her with regard to honest communications with her husband, which improved their situation in the end. She was so glad she met with this godly woman with all of the biblical advice that she made available.
She tells this story so that you can know that help is available. She wants you to know the following things:
Don't allow abuse to have power over you. Don't stay a victim. Find and face the truth with courage.
She also has this to say:
Take heart, all out there suffering from past abuse. God will help you find healing and freedom. He did that for her and she will be forever thankful.
It is her prayer for you too.