when being unproductive becomes a good thing
by: Allison Slater
Today was a good day. I mean, I have good days; but today was almost so good, it was great. It was not because I accomplished everything I set out to do, looked my best, or was at the top of my game as a mother, wife, or daughter of the King.
I have struggled with issues from my past that have caused me to become hyper focused and determined beyond all measure. I have struggled with feeling less than, uneducated, and just plain useless or worthless in my life. Today, the barrier that I have battled within myself was no longer present (I will explain, hang with me).
I have struggled with issues from my past that have caused me to become hyper focused and determined beyond all measure. I have struggled with feeling less than, uneducated, and just plain useless or worthless in my life. Today, the barrier that I have battled within myself was no longer present (I will explain, hang with me).
When I woke up this morning, I didn't feel immediate pressure to perform or achieve, to make lists or to make sure everyone else was taken care of. I didn't feel anxiety or concerned about how I could get the most done in my day because "God forbid I sit down or not use my time wisely". I didn't feel an urgency to get up and be at the gym because "I better take any chance that I can to work out so that I don't have to live yet another day feeling physically horrible, and not being able to look myself in the mirror after finishing that pint of Ben and Jerry's". The whole-dang-thing. Today, I woke up to my son kissing my cheek saying, "Mom, are you going to get up?" Without thinking, my reply to him was simply, "I think I might, but what's the rush?" I lazily laid there for awhile and then got the kids breakfast. I spent my quiet time with God, studied, and prayed. After that, I continued the trend of doing absolutely nothing productive ALL DAY LONG.
I talked to my husband for over an hour about some seriously awesome spiritual breakthroughs. I hung out with and snuggled my kids until we fell asleep on the couch. My husband and I both lied on our couches in silence for at least an hour during the mid day nap-time/reading time. It was actually weird to be sitting in silence alone with my husband midday on a Saturday. (A little back story, we have four kids. So nothing in our lives is ever silent nor are we ever ALONE.) So, back to today. My husband and I took the kids for dinner and fed a homeless man on our way to the mall. We did some shopping and then saw my estranged dad and his wife, just to drop off some presents before heading home. (That story is for another time.) So on our way home, I told my husband, "I didn't do one productive thing today." His curious and loving reply was hilarious, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" And I have decided that it's a good thing. I had things I could have done, like homework, grocery shopping, or cleaning (always). The thing I struggle with the most is constantly feeling like I'm living to prove something to someone or to be more specific, myself. I wake up each morning with the intent of being better today than I was yesterday. Some of you are like, "That's incredible, that sounds like awesome drive!" Those who know me know that it has consumed me. The most hilarious thing about this is that I just realized this. What is incredible is that this pressure has been coming from within, and not from God at all.
I talked to my husband for over an hour about some seriously awesome spiritual breakthroughs. I hung out with and snuggled my kids until we fell asleep on the couch. My husband and I both lied on our couches in silence for at least an hour during the mid day nap-time/reading time. It was actually weird to be sitting in silence alone with my husband midday on a Saturday. (A little back story, we have four kids. So nothing in our lives is ever silent nor are we ever ALONE.) So, back to today. My husband and I took the kids for dinner and fed a homeless man on our way to the mall. We did some shopping and then saw my estranged dad and his wife, just to drop off some presents before heading home. (That story is for another time.) So on our way home, I told my husband, "I didn't do one productive thing today." His curious and loving reply was hilarious, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" And I have decided that it's a good thing. I had things I could have done, like homework, grocery shopping, or cleaning (always). The thing I struggle with the most is constantly feeling like I'm living to prove something to someone or to be more specific, myself. I wake up each morning with the intent of being better today than I was yesterday. Some of you are like, "That's incredible, that sounds like awesome drive!" Those who know me know that it has consumed me. The most hilarious thing about this is that I just realized this. What is incredible is that this pressure has been coming from within, and not from God at all.
God has been taking me through a healing process lately, where he has been bringing about issues from my past and uprooting these deeply seeded things. I didn't realize how self dependent I had become until my ways were failing every time I turned around. God placed doors in my way and guided me with his road blocks into His presence. So today, when I was driving home, I realized that the expectation that I had been carrying for years was gone. The voice that was always criticizing my every move, even though it was a productive and logical voice, was gone. I had finally attained a day of peace and balance; and I rested fully in God. I am only sharing this because I didn't even realize that this was one of my issues. I knew that I was a really good "fixer". I have a knack for making plans for everything. I have a thirst for knowledge. This is almost intrusively annoying when it comes to harassing God about His plan for my life.
Today, He showed me that His plans are NOT my plans. His ways are NOT my ways. Today I didn't feel shame or guilt in not getting things done. I didn't feel as though I failed someone or myself. As a mother and wife, it's so easy to feel like you are responsible to everyone all of the time. That had consumed me to the point where their needs were overriding God's need to have intimacy with me, and my need to be reliant upon Him. Today God showed me that all He requires of me is to trust in Him, remain faithful, and be obedient. God doesn't look on me with shame if I didn't do enough today or if I made a mistake. His love is there, waiting to pick me up and revive me to the next day. Today, His love was there as an embrace as I took some much needed rest from myself and my expectations. Expectations can be a dangerous thing if they are coming from an unhealed or negative place. Allowing God to be our only expectation is how we overcome our bondage in this area. As it says in Psalms 62:5, "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him." The term "expectation" translates as tiqvah in Hebrew. This same term is used in Job 4:6, where it means "ground of hope" and is denoted as "things hoped for" in Ezekiel 19:5. Our expectation is to be grounded in the hope that God, and only God, can provide.
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (emphasis added)
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (emphasis added)