YOUR HUSBAND IS CHEATING ON YOU
APRIL 2013
Lisa Maki
One of the most painful things that can happen to a wife in her marriage, other than the death of her husband, is his unfaithfulness. Actually, they are almost the same in the sense that when your husband cheats on you, you also lose him to another person. How I wish I can just tell a wife to leave her husband and cheat on him as well when a situation like this happens. This is what my flesh would want to do, and which I did in the past when I was still in the world. When my ex-husband cheated on me, I ended up cheating on him too. This just worsened the problem and did great damage in me.
I want to address several issues in this article. First, I want to share with you some warning signs to watch for – signs that indicate that your husband is cheating on you. Second, I want to give you some Biblical tips on how to deal with a cheating husband. Third, I want to impart to you how you can heal from the negative effects of your husband’s cheating.
Warning signs to watch for
Most women don’t notice the early signs of cheating, unless they have been cheated on in the past. I believe this has something to do with a woman’s trusting nature. Unfortunately, when she finally discovers it, her husband is already deeply involved with another woman.
I want to address several issues in this article. First, I want to share with you some warning signs to watch for – signs that indicate that your husband is cheating on you. Second, I want to give you some Biblical tips on how to deal with a cheating husband. Third, I want to impart to you how you can heal from the negative effects of your husband’s cheating.
Warning signs to watch for
Most women don’t notice the early signs of cheating, unless they have been cheated on in the past. I believe this has something to do with a woman’s trusting nature. Unfortunately, when she finally discovers it, her husband is already deeply involved with another woman.
Most often than not, a woman’s first reaction to her discovery of her husband’s cheating is “denial”. This is her inner defense mechanism to prevent her from getting hurt in a greater way. However, this very defense mechanism is what will cause her to ignore the signs and will cripple her ability to save her husband and marriage.
1. When a husband is in the initial phase of cheating, he will normally be sweeter to his wife. He may even want more intimacy from her. This is because other than some guilt feelings he may be having, he is also thinking about that other woman.
2. When the cheating has actually started, meaning there is already some intimacy going on between your husband and the other woman, he will begin to detach from you. This normally means lesser desire for sex and any intimate connection.
3. Another warning sign to watch for is his “overtime” excuses, a “night out with the boys”, out-of-town trips or whatever reasons that will keep him out of the house and be with that woman.
4. He will also be more secretive of things and rather paranoid when he feels you’re suspecting something. For instance, if his phone rings or he gets a text, he acts surprised when you’re around. He also goes to a more private place to hide his conversation from you.
5. He will enjoy your being “unavailable” or “not around”. All of a sudden he will encourage you to pursue a new hobby, go out with the girls, stay late for work, or whatever reasons that will keep you away from him.
6. He will also start being emotional such as telling you that he is going through something but can’t explain it. He may cry to you and tell you that he is not a good husband and that he is sorry for it. He can even tell you that he is beginning to realize that you don’t deserve him. At this point he is really so confused, feeling guilty most of the time.
7. He can even get to the point of twisting the story with you so that the chances of getting caught are slimmer. He may tell you that his co-workers are accusing him of having a relationship with this woman but all he is doing is being an “ear” to this woman who is going through a tough time in her marriage. If you are wise, more so if you are against men counseling women, you can catch him instantly at this point.
These are the main warning signs that I have experienced for myself and which I have also seen from other women who have experienced the same thing. If you are seeing these signs, better take action right away.
What do you do now?
What I am going to present to you here are Biblical ways coupled with more practical approaches in handling a situation like this.
Any wife who has experienced being cheated on by her husband has surely gone through the worst form of insecurities ever. It doesn’t matter how beautiful and strong she is. She will still feel like she is the ugliest and most undesirable woman in the whole world. Proverbs 30:21 says that under three things the earth is disquieted, and under four it cannot bear up. Guess what the fourth one is ... AN UNLOVED WOMAN WHEN SHE IS MARRIED.
Sad to say, men are repulsed by insecure women. The more insecure you get, the more you push your husband away. This is the hard reality that wives who are cheated on have to face. Since insecurity will come second nature to you when you are faced with a situation like this, you still can’t allow it to control you. You have to fight it and even hide it. You have to continue smiling.
You may tell me ... are you crazy? How can I even smile when I am hurting so bad?
Let me tell you something. That smile will heap burning coals of fire on his head. That smile will make him feel guilty. That smile will surely win him back. The other woman will be smiling for now, but not for long. But if you remain smiling, you will surely win.
Other than smiling, you need to build your security in Jesus. Pray more. Read your Bible more. Join women’s cell groups and Bible studies. Strengthen your spirit. This will surely help you overcome whatever insecurity you are going through.
One thing that will surely make you glow, more than ever, is to soak in the presence of God. Let Him fill your void. Let Him be your comforter. Let Him envelope you in His love.
This season will surely be a test for you. You will be tempted to scream at your husband and to say hurtful words to him. Though this is normal, it is not Biblical
1 Peter 3:1-4 gives a very good explanation as to what you should do.
... you married women, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, when they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence.
The advice here is for you to remain submissive to your husband even if he is unfaithful to you. Have a quiet spirit. Don’t nag him. Your godly life and quietness, matched with your continued respect for him are what will change him.
Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] interweaving andknotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes; But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.
Though I will advice you to make yourself physically beautiful (dress more nicely, fix your hair nicely – get a new hairstyle or color, put on some lipstick, etc.), my better advice is what the verse above says ... let not yours be the external adorning but the inward adorning. Let your inner beauty shine more than ever – that peaceful and gentle spirit. This will only happen if you stay in God’s presence.
My next advice in handling your husband’s cheating is prayer. I am not just talking of a regular prayer here but a prayer that releases breakthroughs. James 5:16 says: The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available.
Pray for your husband like you’ve never prayed before. Fight for him in the spiritual realm. Cast out all demonic attacks and forces that are lurking over him. Lay hands on all his things, including his underwear. Break the bondage of lust and spirit of adultery. Do all these when he is not around.
You will notice that in all these advices and tips, there is nothing that is directly attacking or dealing with your husband. They all point back to you and what you should do. These are all part of your strengthening. You can’t fight this battle when you are weak and emotional or you will lose. Once you are strong enough, then you can deal with the real problem and confront your husband.
How do you confront him? Do you ask him questions? Do you investigate? Do you just tell him that you suspect something?
My advice is for you not to ask him any direct questions because he will just deny it. You can ask him leading questions such as ... so how was your meeting last night? Don’t make him feel that you are suspecting. You can investigate if you want but do it very discreetly without involving people who know him. Though he is in the wrong, you are still expected by God to cover your husband. Don’t expose his foolishness. Never tell him that you are suspecting anything. This will just make him run away from you. However, this does not mean that you can’t confront him.
In confronting him, be sure that you won’t be wishy-washy. You have to stand firm. Look at him as a brother in the Lord who needs help.
Galatians 6:1 says: If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
The part here that says KEEP WATCH ON YOURSELF, LEST YOU TOO BE TEMPTED means that you have to be careful that you won’t get emotional or you may end up screaming at him, saying hurtful words, or even hitting him physically.
So when it’s time to confront him, you should say something like this ... As your wife I am one with you, and even if you don’t tell me I know you are going through something that is not easy. I know it is hurting you in as much as it is hurting me. As your sister in the Lord, let me remind you that our disobedience to God can lead to grave consequences, not just for you but for the people around you ... people who you love dearly. I am asking you now to seriously consider stopping the wrong thing you’re doing and repent before God. He can still restore you. Don’t waste this chance.
Stay with him there while he processes everything you just said. If he gets defensive, tell him that he better say that to God. Remind him that you hear from God (you better be sure about this). Ask him if you can pray for him. If he lets you, now is your chance; if he does not, then leave it at that. Tell him you love him and quietly walk out of the room. Act like nothing happened. Continue smiling and serving him.
Healing from cheating
Everything you’ve read here so far is meant not only to help you deal with your situation but to help you heal from the pain and betrayal. Healing is a process and it may take time before you can ever get back to normal. Your goal should be to win your husband back. Until he is back, and until the other woman is gone, your healing will not begin. So better be sure first that your husband’s relationship with the other woman is put to an end.
Although I have given you some tips here on how to win your husband back, you can only do so much. It is in God’s hands and you should leave all your worries in His care. Continue trusting in Him even if nothing is improving.
It may also help if you can talk to the other woman. However, if you intend to do this better be sure that you are prepared for it. Your objective is not to fight with her or embarrass her but to bring her to the light. If you will not be comfortable doing this, bring a strong woman of God with you who can help minister to her. She is lost which is why she is doing what she is doing. She needs JESUS.
As to how you can get hold of her, you will need the leading of God on this one. Perhaps you can pretend to be somebody else and set a meeting with her (if you even get the chance to get her number). I am not telling you to lie but to be wise. For instance, if you are a salesperson, then call her as a salesperson who wants to offer her something – not as the wife of the man she is sleeping with. Be creative.
Lastly, look at your problem as a manifestation that something is not right in your marriage, and that God wants to fix it. No husband will ever cheat on his wife if he is fully grounded in Jesus and if the marriage is intact. The issue here is not that the other woman is better than you. The issue is that there is something missing in your marriage and your husband is looking for some answers elsewhere. What seems to be the worst thing can turn into the best thing that has ever happened to you.
2. When the cheating has actually started, meaning there is already some intimacy going on between your husband and the other woman, he will begin to detach from you. This normally means lesser desire for sex and any intimate connection.
3. Another warning sign to watch for is his “overtime” excuses, a “night out with the boys”, out-of-town trips or whatever reasons that will keep him out of the house and be with that woman.
4. He will also be more secretive of things and rather paranoid when he feels you’re suspecting something. For instance, if his phone rings or he gets a text, he acts surprised when you’re around. He also goes to a more private place to hide his conversation from you.
5. He will enjoy your being “unavailable” or “not around”. All of a sudden he will encourage you to pursue a new hobby, go out with the girls, stay late for work, or whatever reasons that will keep you away from him.
6. He will also start being emotional such as telling you that he is going through something but can’t explain it. He may cry to you and tell you that he is not a good husband and that he is sorry for it. He can even tell you that he is beginning to realize that you don’t deserve him. At this point he is really so confused, feeling guilty most of the time.
7. He can even get to the point of twisting the story with you so that the chances of getting caught are slimmer. He may tell you that his co-workers are accusing him of having a relationship with this woman but all he is doing is being an “ear” to this woman who is going through a tough time in her marriage. If you are wise, more so if you are against men counseling women, you can catch him instantly at this point.
These are the main warning signs that I have experienced for myself and which I have also seen from other women who have experienced the same thing. If you are seeing these signs, better take action right away.
What do you do now?
What I am going to present to you here are Biblical ways coupled with more practical approaches in handling a situation like this.
Any wife who has experienced being cheated on by her husband has surely gone through the worst form of insecurities ever. It doesn’t matter how beautiful and strong she is. She will still feel like she is the ugliest and most undesirable woman in the whole world. Proverbs 30:21 says that under three things the earth is disquieted, and under four it cannot bear up. Guess what the fourth one is ... AN UNLOVED WOMAN WHEN SHE IS MARRIED.
Sad to say, men are repulsed by insecure women. The more insecure you get, the more you push your husband away. This is the hard reality that wives who are cheated on have to face. Since insecurity will come second nature to you when you are faced with a situation like this, you still can’t allow it to control you. You have to fight it and even hide it. You have to continue smiling.
You may tell me ... are you crazy? How can I even smile when I am hurting so bad?
Let me tell you something. That smile will heap burning coals of fire on his head. That smile will make him feel guilty. That smile will surely win him back. The other woman will be smiling for now, but not for long. But if you remain smiling, you will surely win.
Other than smiling, you need to build your security in Jesus. Pray more. Read your Bible more. Join women’s cell groups and Bible studies. Strengthen your spirit. This will surely help you overcome whatever insecurity you are going through.
One thing that will surely make you glow, more than ever, is to soak in the presence of God. Let Him fill your void. Let Him be your comforter. Let Him envelope you in His love.
This season will surely be a test for you. You will be tempted to scream at your husband and to say hurtful words to him. Though this is normal, it is not Biblical
1 Peter 3:1-4 gives a very good explanation as to what you should do.
... you married women, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, when they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence.
The advice here is for you to remain submissive to your husband even if he is unfaithful to you. Have a quiet spirit. Don’t nag him. Your godly life and quietness, matched with your continued respect for him are what will change him.
Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] interweaving andknotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes; But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.
Though I will advice you to make yourself physically beautiful (dress more nicely, fix your hair nicely – get a new hairstyle or color, put on some lipstick, etc.), my better advice is what the verse above says ... let not yours be the external adorning but the inward adorning. Let your inner beauty shine more than ever – that peaceful and gentle spirit. This will only happen if you stay in God’s presence.
My next advice in handling your husband’s cheating is prayer. I am not just talking of a regular prayer here but a prayer that releases breakthroughs. James 5:16 says: The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available.
Pray for your husband like you’ve never prayed before. Fight for him in the spiritual realm. Cast out all demonic attacks and forces that are lurking over him. Lay hands on all his things, including his underwear. Break the bondage of lust and spirit of adultery. Do all these when he is not around.
You will notice that in all these advices and tips, there is nothing that is directly attacking or dealing with your husband. They all point back to you and what you should do. These are all part of your strengthening. You can’t fight this battle when you are weak and emotional or you will lose. Once you are strong enough, then you can deal with the real problem and confront your husband.
How do you confront him? Do you ask him questions? Do you investigate? Do you just tell him that you suspect something?
My advice is for you not to ask him any direct questions because he will just deny it. You can ask him leading questions such as ... so how was your meeting last night? Don’t make him feel that you are suspecting. You can investigate if you want but do it very discreetly without involving people who know him. Though he is in the wrong, you are still expected by God to cover your husband. Don’t expose his foolishness. Never tell him that you are suspecting anything. This will just make him run away from you. However, this does not mean that you can’t confront him.
In confronting him, be sure that you won’t be wishy-washy. You have to stand firm. Look at him as a brother in the Lord who needs help.
Galatians 6:1 says: If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
The part here that says KEEP WATCH ON YOURSELF, LEST YOU TOO BE TEMPTED means that you have to be careful that you won’t get emotional or you may end up screaming at him, saying hurtful words, or even hitting him physically.
So when it’s time to confront him, you should say something like this ... As your wife I am one with you, and even if you don’t tell me I know you are going through something that is not easy. I know it is hurting you in as much as it is hurting me. As your sister in the Lord, let me remind you that our disobedience to God can lead to grave consequences, not just for you but for the people around you ... people who you love dearly. I am asking you now to seriously consider stopping the wrong thing you’re doing and repent before God. He can still restore you. Don’t waste this chance.
Stay with him there while he processes everything you just said. If he gets defensive, tell him that he better say that to God. Remind him that you hear from God (you better be sure about this). Ask him if you can pray for him. If he lets you, now is your chance; if he does not, then leave it at that. Tell him you love him and quietly walk out of the room. Act like nothing happened. Continue smiling and serving him.
Healing from cheating
Everything you’ve read here so far is meant not only to help you deal with your situation but to help you heal from the pain and betrayal. Healing is a process and it may take time before you can ever get back to normal. Your goal should be to win your husband back. Until he is back, and until the other woman is gone, your healing will not begin. So better be sure first that your husband’s relationship with the other woman is put to an end.
Although I have given you some tips here on how to win your husband back, you can only do so much. It is in God’s hands and you should leave all your worries in His care. Continue trusting in Him even if nothing is improving.
It may also help if you can talk to the other woman. However, if you intend to do this better be sure that you are prepared for it. Your objective is not to fight with her or embarrass her but to bring her to the light. If you will not be comfortable doing this, bring a strong woman of God with you who can help minister to her. She is lost which is why she is doing what she is doing. She needs JESUS.
As to how you can get hold of her, you will need the leading of God on this one. Perhaps you can pretend to be somebody else and set a meeting with her (if you even get the chance to get her number). I am not telling you to lie but to be wise. For instance, if you are a salesperson, then call her as a salesperson who wants to offer her something – not as the wife of the man she is sleeping with. Be creative.
Lastly, look at your problem as a manifestation that something is not right in your marriage, and that God wants to fix it. No husband will ever cheat on his wife if he is fully grounded in Jesus and if the marriage is intact. The issue here is not that the other woman is better than you. The issue is that there is something missing in your marriage and your husband is looking for some answers elsewhere. What seems to be the worst thing can turn into the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Lisa Maki is the founder, publisher, and editor of God'z Gurlz. More about Lisa at ...
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