GUARD AND RESPECT MARRIAGE, PLEASE
Recently, I have been preaching hard about boundaries in relationships, more so in marriage. Other than the fact that this has always been a major issue for me, I have recently experienced, more than ever, the reality of what I have been preaching against. Though it is only in social media, particularly Facebook, that I am basing these recent incidents from, it surely presents a bigger picture of what is truly happening out there.
The incidents that I am talking about are male men of God; some of them are even ministers, who sent me private messages that are quite flirtatious and suggestive. Some of the messages include: Hey my beautiful queen (from a married Christian) ... You look like you just finished talking on the phone with me ... Hey beautiful (from a married minister) ... and so on and so forth.
The first questions that came to my mind were: Didn't they know I was married? And even if I were single, why will a married man of God call me a queen or call me beautiful? Aren't those compliments reserved for their respective wives? And what made them think they can just do that to me?
The first questions that came to my mind were: Didn't they know I was married? And even if I were single, why will a married man of God call me a queen or call me beautiful? Aren't those compliments reserved for their respective wives? And what made them think they can just do that to me?
All these prompted me to expose these wrongdoings through my posts on Facebook.
As my expositions began, some people, mostly men, became defensive. Others blamed me for seducing them (classic cop out), and there were those who agreed with me. Then there is a group of people who I believe had their eyes opened and asked me to explain more. This is the very reason why I am writing this article -- to lay down the rules more plainly.
Before I proceed, let me iron out some Scriptural premise for creating boundaries.
- Do not to lose common sense (Proverbs 3:21).
- Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16).
- Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8).
These Scriptural premises clearly show that God is instructing us to use caution, wisdom, common sense, and discernment, in our dealings with people.
Now let me present some of the innocent but unwise mindset of a lot of people I talked to about this.
- It all depends on the motive. If your motive is right, then it’s all good.
- There is nothing wrong with appreciating a woman’s beauty.
- If you keep your thought pure, then it is ok.
- I am a minister and my role is to minister to both men and women.
- I have friends from the opposite gender from my past, when I was still single. There is nothing wrong with talking to them.
These comments obviously demonstrate how ignorant we people can be to the wiles of the enemy. No wonder God gave us those Scriptures and warnings above. On our own, and simply following our own thinking, we are very easy preys of the devil. The sad thing is that we are ignorant not only of the subtle attacks of the enemy but of our own evil selves.
Let us face it. Our flesh is evil. Romans 8:3 clearly states that SIN WAS CONDEMNED IN THE FLESH. This is why Romans 12 says: DO NOT BE CONFORMED TO THIS WORLD BUT BE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOUR MINDS. Paul also talks about the mind of the flesh and the mind of the spirit (Romans 8:6-11).
All these Scriptures, and so much more, point to one thing -- that our minds, without conforming to the Word of God, will always lead us to sin and death.
Using the same comments I mentioned above about certain people who responded to this issue on boundaries, let me challenge these mindsets with some questions and statements based from my own experience and those of some people I have talked to.
All these Scriptures, and so much more, point to one thing -- that our minds, without conforming to the Word of God, will always lead us to sin and death.
Using the same comments I mentioned above about certain people who responded to this issue on boundaries, let me challenge these mindsets with some questions and statements based from my own experience and those of some people I have talked to.
It all depends on the motive. If your motive is right, then it’s all good.
Your motive may be right, but how about the motive of the other person? Adultery mostly happen not because anyone intended it to happen. It all starts with an innocent motive.
Your motive may be right, but how about the motive of the other person? Adultery mostly happen not because anyone intended it to happen. It all starts with an innocent motive.
There is nothing wrong with appreciating a woman’s beauty.
Proverbs 5:18 talks about ENJOYING THE WIFE OF ONE’S YOUTH. Appreciating a woman’s physical beauty should be reserved in marriage and for marriage, if you are married. For single people considering marriage, you can express appreciation for your fiancé’s physical beauty. However, if it is just a random appreciation of any woman, this has to be exercised with caution because the woman may be married, or engaged. And even if she is not, she will still belong to someone else, eventually. Besides, appreciating a woman’s physical beauty entails “looking at her”. How do you control how far you look? Matthew 5:28 says that WHOEVER LOOKS AT A WOMAN WITH LUST HAS ALREADY COMMITTED ADULTERY IN HIS HEART.
Men, let me tell you something about women. And women, you may not even be aware of this. Most women are hungry for attention. They are also very emotional beings who are moved by their hearts more than their minds. They have a tendency to exaggerate things in their own minds, simply because they live in their fantasy world. If you put all these together, imagine now a situation when a married man pays attention to her. Her hunger for attention will draw her to the man. Her emotional state will make her want the conversation to linger. And if the man listens to her concerns, oh boy … she will not stop talking. In her mind, she now creates a mental picture of a man who is interested in her -- a man who knows how to listen, a man who cares, a man who likes her for who she is. In reality, the man may just be reaching out to her to bring her closer to Jesus.
Some women do not even care if the man is married or not. She may be drawn to him because of the Jesus in him, without any evil intentions. Yet, the vulnerability of her flesh, which can never be trusted, will eventually draw her to cross some lines. If you haven’t read my article on DON’T CROSS THE LINE, I suggest you read it so you can understand my point better.
Another point I want to make is this: Why appreciate a woman for her physical beauty when the Bible clearly states in Proverbs 31:30-31 that Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised?
So women, be very cautious of men appreciating you for your physical beauty. As Proverbs 4:23 says: Guard your heart for out of it springs the issues of life. Put your foot down and learn to rebuke and correct men who are out-of-line. Do not even entertain the compliments they give you (focused on your physical beauty), more so if it is from a married man. As a pastor’s wife once told me, “If you have to kick his balls, do it. I don’t care if he is a church leader or what”.
Proverbs 5:18 talks about ENJOYING THE WIFE OF ONE’S YOUTH. Appreciating a woman’s physical beauty should be reserved in marriage and for marriage, if you are married. For single people considering marriage, you can express appreciation for your fiancé’s physical beauty. However, if it is just a random appreciation of any woman, this has to be exercised with caution because the woman may be married, or engaged. And even if she is not, she will still belong to someone else, eventually. Besides, appreciating a woman’s physical beauty entails “looking at her”. How do you control how far you look? Matthew 5:28 says that WHOEVER LOOKS AT A WOMAN WITH LUST HAS ALREADY COMMITTED ADULTERY IN HIS HEART.
Men, let me tell you something about women. And women, you may not even be aware of this. Most women are hungry for attention. They are also very emotional beings who are moved by their hearts more than their minds. They have a tendency to exaggerate things in their own minds, simply because they live in their fantasy world. If you put all these together, imagine now a situation when a married man pays attention to her. Her hunger for attention will draw her to the man. Her emotional state will make her want the conversation to linger. And if the man listens to her concerns, oh boy … she will not stop talking. In her mind, she now creates a mental picture of a man who is interested in her -- a man who knows how to listen, a man who cares, a man who likes her for who she is. In reality, the man may just be reaching out to her to bring her closer to Jesus.
Some women do not even care if the man is married or not. She may be drawn to him because of the Jesus in him, without any evil intentions. Yet, the vulnerability of her flesh, which can never be trusted, will eventually draw her to cross some lines. If you haven’t read my article on DON’T CROSS THE LINE, I suggest you read it so you can understand my point better.
Another point I want to make is this: Why appreciate a woman for her physical beauty when the Bible clearly states in Proverbs 31:30-31 that Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised?
So women, be very cautious of men appreciating you for your physical beauty. As Proverbs 4:23 says: Guard your heart for out of it springs the issues of life. Put your foot down and learn to rebuke and correct men who are out-of-line. Do not even entertain the compliments they give you (focused on your physical beauty), more so if it is from a married man. As a pastor’s wife once told me, “If you have to kick his balls, do it. I don’t care if he is a church leader or what”.
If you keep your thoughts pure, then it is ok.
My husband actually taught me a lot about men, just as I taught him a lot about women. Both of us were pretty ignorant about the wiles of men and women. Men will be men, as my husband always says; and women will be women, as I always say. Men are visual beings, while women are emotional beings. The man is created to protect the woman; the woman is created to nurture the man. Both of them crave for attention.
When you put the man and woman together, even if it is just Facebook, their innate character traits are activated. So no matter how pure the thoughts are, it can still cross the line and lead to sin.
My husband actually taught me a lot about men, just as I taught him a lot about women. Both of us were pretty ignorant about the wiles of men and women. Men will be men, as my husband always says; and women will be women, as I always say. Men are visual beings, while women are emotional beings. The man is created to protect the woman; the woman is created to nurture the man. Both of them crave for attention.
When you put the man and woman together, even if it is just Facebook, their innate character traits are activated. So no matter how pure the thoughts are, it can still cross the line and lead to sin.
I am a minister and my role is to minister to both men and women.
I personally believe that there is nothing wrong for a woman to listen and receive from a male preacher or minister and vice-versa. However, for those who are married, whether both are or only one is, this should not lead to any private conversations unless both spouses are involved.
Ministering to someone can get very intimate. Problems and issues are discussed that can trigger certain emotions that may be innocent at the start, but later on lead to sin.
When I was single, I was ministering to both men and women as a group. I was doing Bible studies, preaching, and other ministry engagements that involved both men and women. One thing that I made clear to them was that I don’t do one-on-one counseling with men. So one day I got a call from this guy from the Bible study and I told him, “Didn’t I tell you that I don’t entertain calls from men”? He said: “I just need some prayers, Sister Lisa. I miss my wife and I have been struggling with masturbation”. Before he can finish his sentence, I cut him off and hanged up. He may not have had any bad intention for saying that. He may have just been desperate for help. But I was not the right person to handle that. See how easy things can get out of line? So why put yourself in a compromising situation?
Men, you should know by now that your very nature is to save a damsel in distress. You are drawn to women who have problems. In fact, if you are a man of God, this will even present a bigger challenge for you since your desire is to bring people closer to Jesus. Please realize that the woman you are ministering to has vulnerabilities and two of them are: the desire to be heard, and the desire to follow a leader. If you are single and the woman is married, please do not entertain her when she runs to you for some counsel. Push her back to her husband. Befriend her husband as well. If you are married, all the more should you cut off from privately ministering to any woman.
I personally believe that there is nothing wrong for a woman to listen and receive from a male preacher or minister and vice-versa. However, for those who are married, whether both are or only one is, this should not lead to any private conversations unless both spouses are involved.
Ministering to someone can get very intimate. Problems and issues are discussed that can trigger certain emotions that may be innocent at the start, but later on lead to sin.
When I was single, I was ministering to both men and women as a group. I was doing Bible studies, preaching, and other ministry engagements that involved both men and women. One thing that I made clear to them was that I don’t do one-on-one counseling with men. So one day I got a call from this guy from the Bible study and I told him, “Didn’t I tell you that I don’t entertain calls from men”? He said: “I just need some prayers, Sister Lisa. I miss my wife and I have been struggling with masturbation”. Before he can finish his sentence, I cut him off and hanged up. He may not have had any bad intention for saying that. He may have just been desperate for help. But I was not the right person to handle that. See how easy things can get out of line? So why put yourself in a compromising situation?
Men, you should know by now that your very nature is to save a damsel in distress. You are drawn to women who have problems. In fact, if you are a man of God, this will even present a bigger challenge for you since your desire is to bring people closer to Jesus. Please realize that the woman you are ministering to has vulnerabilities and two of them are: the desire to be heard, and the desire to follow a leader. If you are single and the woman is married, please do not entertain her when she runs to you for some counsel. Push her back to her husband. Befriend her husband as well. If you are married, all the more should you cut off from privately ministering to any woman.
I have friends from the opposite gender from my past, when I was still single. There is nothing wrong with talking to them.
Once you get married, your friends from the opposite sex should be friends with your spouse too. In fact, they should be friends with them more than you. If you had a best friend from the opposite sex when you were single, that should not continue in your marriage. Your spouse should be your best friend. Though there is nothing wrong with talking to your friends of the opposite gender from your past, it can still endanger your marriage.
Women, you should know by now how we long for someone to talk to. We love to express ourselves. So if you connect privately with a male friend from the past, chances are you will end up opening up to him about your problems with your husband. And since your friend knows you, and since he is a man with a protective nature, he may offer you a shoulder to cry on that will surely make you feel loved and accepted. This spells DANGER!!!
If you are single and your guy friend from the past is married, please do not entertain him when he calls you privately. Push him back to his wife and put your foot down and tell him … “We can’t be friends anymore as we used to”. Connect with his wife and befriend her.
All these equally apply to men.
Once you get married, your friends from the opposite sex should be friends with your spouse too. In fact, they should be friends with them more than you. If you had a best friend from the opposite sex when you were single, that should not continue in your marriage. Your spouse should be your best friend. Though there is nothing wrong with talking to your friends of the opposite gender from your past, it can still endanger your marriage.
Women, you should know by now how we long for someone to talk to. We love to express ourselves. So if you connect privately with a male friend from the past, chances are you will end up opening up to him about your problems with your husband. And since your friend knows you, and since he is a man with a protective nature, he may offer you a shoulder to cry on that will surely make you feel loved and accepted. This spells DANGER!!!
If you are single and your guy friend from the past is married, please do not entertain him when he calls you privately. Push him back to his wife and put your foot down and tell him … “We can’t be friends anymore as we used to”. Connect with his wife and befriend her.
All these equally apply to men.
With all these mindsets presented and addressed, let me now give you some parameters and guidelines when it comes to engaging with the opposite gender.
- Limit your private counseling sessions with the same gender. An exception will be an immediate family member or a man and woman in a relationship.
- Shaking of hands is sufficient to greet a person of the opposite sex. There is no need for hugs as it may affect certain people differently.
- Treat social networking in the same way you treat real relationships. Do not use it as some fantasy world where you can just get away with anything.
- If you are a married man, there is no reason for you to be checking out women’s profile pictures on face book or any other social media, unless a woman added you as friend and you want to do some investigation.
- If you are a single man, be careful with women who you are connecting with. Check out their status if they are married or not.
- Women should be following women more than men, and vice-versa.
- If you are constantly following a person of the opposite sex and he/she is married, better be following the spouse as well.
- Do not be private messaging the opposite sex when you are married, or a married person of the opposite gender if you are single … unless it is very important, or you are sharing some Scripture, prophecy, or encouraging words. This should be balanced with caution though as I have had men private message me Scriptures and if I say “Thank you” or “Amen”, then they start engaging me in a more personal conversation. My husband and I pass on to each other people from the opposite sex seeking for some counsel or just some answers to questions.
- If you are married, never be left alone with anyone of the opposite gender, not even in a car.
- If you are married, limit your private conversations with people of the same gender unless they are immediate family members.
These are just a few of the guidelines and tips that you can follow. Use your better judgment and discernment.
Remember that marriage is sacred. Respecting this marriage -- both yours and others is paying respect to the God who ordained marriages. Respecting marriages while you are still single will bless you with a good marriage that people will also respect.
Please don’t forget that God entrusted the garden to Adam and Eve and because they were not cautious, the enemy was able to enter, and so sin entered the world. Guard your marriage and make sure that you leave not even a crack for the devil to pass through.
Please don’t forget that God entrusted the garden to Adam and Eve and because they were not cautious, the enemy was able to enter, and so sin entered the world. Guard your marriage and make sure that you leave not even a crack for the devil to pass through.
Lisa Maki is the founder/editor of God'z Gurlz, a Bible-based online magazine for women. She and her husband Jason are part of the growing movement of Christians who are discovering their Hebrew roots, and who are studying the Torah and its parallelisms to the New Testament. Lisa is likewise a Professional Writer with over 15 years of experience in the field. Jason and Lisa are part of El Shaddai Ministries, a First Century Believers Church headed by Pastor Mark Biltz.