NEWLY MARRIED: The First Critical Years
DECEMBER 2012
by Lisa Maki
Wife: “I am filing for divorce. I can’t live with my husband anymore”. Counselor: “How long have you been married”? Wife: “Two years”.
No wonder! Almost all wives have been through this road of wanting to leave their husbands during the first few years of the marriage. I was one of them. Had I decided to leave my husband back then, I would have made the biggest mistake in my life. Praise God He didn’t give me any opportunity to walk out of my marriage. On the contrary, He blocked every way out.
The merging of two people from two different worlds is no joke. We are not only talking of two people who will do business together and go home to their respective houses at the end of the day. We are talking of two people who made a vow to stay together, in one house, on one bed, for better or worse. This takes major adjustment and can be very trying and challenging. And when the going gets tough, the easiest way is to quit and walk away.
One of the most frustrating things you can experience in your early marriage is when you find out that your spouse is not who you thought he was. You have been waiting and praying for your promised man and he came along and you were so in love with him. You were so drawn to the Jesus in him. He was the man of God you’ve always wanted to have as a husband. Then you got married and had the greatest time of your life. Weeks and months followed and you discovered that he has a porn addiction. He never told you about this problem and it just blew on your face one night when you caught him. You were so disgusted with him and you started wondering whether you made the right choice or not. That’s when you decided to leave him.
You may have a husband who turned back to alcohol just a year after you were married. This has been his big problem years ago and he got saved and quit. But now he’s back on it and it is driving you nuts. Or you may have discovered your husband’s anger outbursts and you are scared that he may just physically hurt you one of these days. Really, there are so many unexpected things that may arise during the early years of your marriage ... things that you may not even want to deal with ... reasons that can justify your desire to leave him.
But wait. Wasn’t the covenant you made with God meant to last forever? Didn’t God say that He hates divorce? You can’t leave now. You are bound to your husband. This is what you committed yourself to. Of course you can say that your husband is cheating on you by looking at other women on porn. You can call it adultery if you want. Still, you just can’t give up on him at this point. It’s too early. You haven’t even given it a chance. Or you can say that you’re just trying to protect yourself from being harmed because he has anger problems. But if he hasn’t even attempted to hurt you, then you are already making assumptions that he will.
Believe me; God wants you where you are now. No matter what problems you’re facing at this stage in your early marriage, rest assured that God has it under His control. Everything you’re going through is necessary for what God wants to produce in each one of you respectively and both of you as a couple. He is healing you and transforming you into new creatures, this time as one flesh.
I am not just saying this for the heck of saying it. I have experienced it for myself, and as I was saying earlier, had I left my husband back then, I would have made the biggest mistake in my life. More than this, I would have displeased God.
I saw in my husband issues I never thought he still had ... issues that made me feel disgusted with him ... issues that made me not even want to be associated with him. There were several times when I got provoked and did things I never thought I had the capacity to do. He surely brought out the worst in me, only for God to bring out the best. Of course I didn’t know this back then. All I could see was my predicament. All I could think of was how I could get away from it.
I remember an incident when I threatened to leave my husband and he took my car keys away from me. I decided to walk without even knowing where I was going. Not even a block away from my house, I heard a voice in my mind saying: “You are not going anywhere. Go home and apologize to your husband”. I argued with God but of course lost the argument. I conceded and obeyed. This same incident happened several times during the early part of my marriage: I threatened to leave but came back right away.
In all these trials God kept reminding me where I came from. He kept bringing me back to the time when I was praying to be with my promised man ... when nothing else mattered to me but to be with him ... when our hearts were aching for each other. Those reminders sustained me and assured me of God’s faithfulness. It brought me down to my knees. It made me surrender all my worries, fears, and frustrations at the foot of the cross. It made me speak words of life over my husband and my marriage. It made me stand up and overcome the devil. It made me claim for what God promised He would give me.
Then God started moving on my behalf. He began to work thoroughly in me and my husband. I saw miraculous changes not only in my other half but within me. I started seeing things in a different light. I began to see my husband from God’s perspective.
Until now, after 5 years of marriage, I still marvel at what God has done and what He continues to do. Things have gotten so much better in my marriage, and this is just the beginning. Every trial we’ve been through was necessary to produce this kind of marriage that we have now. Every trial that we will go through is necessary to produce the kind of marriage God wants us to have in the future. It’s all worth going through, knowing that God knows best.
Be encouraged my dear sister. Don’t give up now. If you do, you will miss one of the greatest miracles God can do in your life and in your husband’s life. You have been called for this purpose of being a help-meet, to see your husband through – to see him change and transform into the man who God created him to be. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be a living witness to that, so that someday you can share your testimony just as I am sharing it now? Hold on. God wants you where you are. He has your back. Keep trusting in Him. He will never fail you.
No wonder! Almost all wives have been through this road of wanting to leave their husbands during the first few years of the marriage. I was one of them. Had I decided to leave my husband back then, I would have made the biggest mistake in my life. Praise God He didn’t give me any opportunity to walk out of my marriage. On the contrary, He blocked every way out.
The merging of two people from two different worlds is no joke. We are not only talking of two people who will do business together and go home to their respective houses at the end of the day. We are talking of two people who made a vow to stay together, in one house, on one bed, for better or worse. This takes major adjustment and can be very trying and challenging. And when the going gets tough, the easiest way is to quit and walk away.
One of the most frustrating things you can experience in your early marriage is when you find out that your spouse is not who you thought he was. You have been waiting and praying for your promised man and he came along and you were so in love with him. You were so drawn to the Jesus in him. He was the man of God you’ve always wanted to have as a husband. Then you got married and had the greatest time of your life. Weeks and months followed and you discovered that he has a porn addiction. He never told you about this problem and it just blew on your face one night when you caught him. You were so disgusted with him and you started wondering whether you made the right choice or not. That’s when you decided to leave him.
You may have a husband who turned back to alcohol just a year after you were married. This has been his big problem years ago and he got saved and quit. But now he’s back on it and it is driving you nuts. Or you may have discovered your husband’s anger outbursts and you are scared that he may just physically hurt you one of these days. Really, there are so many unexpected things that may arise during the early years of your marriage ... things that you may not even want to deal with ... reasons that can justify your desire to leave him.
But wait. Wasn’t the covenant you made with God meant to last forever? Didn’t God say that He hates divorce? You can’t leave now. You are bound to your husband. This is what you committed yourself to. Of course you can say that your husband is cheating on you by looking at other women on porn. You can call it adultery if you want. Still, you just can’t give up on him at this point. It’s too early. You haven’t even given it a chance. Or you can say that you’re just trying to protect yourself from being harmed because he has anger problems. But if he hasn’t even attempted to hurt you, then you are already making assumptions that he will.
Believe me; God wants you where you are now. No matter what problems you’re facing at this stage in your early marriage, rest assured that God has it under His control. Everything you’re going through is necessary for what God wants to produce in each one of you respectively and both of you as a couple. He is healing you and transforming you into new creatures, this time as one flesh.
I am not just saying this for the heck of saying it. I have experienced it for myself, and as I was saying earlier, had I left my husband back then, I would have made the biggest mistake in my life. More than this, I would have displeased God.
I saw in my husband issues I never thought he still had ... issues that made me feel disgusted with him ... issues that made me not even want to be associated with him. There were several times when I got provoked and did things I never thought I had the capacity to do. He surely brought out the worst in me, only for God to bring out the best. Of course I didn’t know this back then. All I could see was my predicament. All I could think of was how I could get away from it.
I remember an incident when I threatened to leave my husband and he took my car keys away from me. I decided to walk without even knowing where I was going. Not even a block away from my house, I heard a voice in my mind saying: “You are not going anywhere. Go home and apologize to your husband”. I argued with God but of course lost the argument. I conceded and obeyed. This same incident happened several times during the early part of my marriage: I threatened to leave but came back right away.
In all these trials God kept reminding me where I came from. He kept bringing me back to the time when I was praying to be with my promised man ... when nothing else mattered to me but to be with him ... when our hearts were aching for each other. Those reminders sustained me and assured me of God’s faithfulness. It brought me down to my knees. It made me surrender all my worries, fears, and frustrations at the foot of the cross. It made me speak words of life over my husband and my marriage. It made me stand up and overcome the devil. It made me claim for what God promised He would give me.
Then God started moving on my behalf. He began to work thoroughly in me and my husband. I saw miraculous changes not only in my other half but within me. I started seeing things in a different light. I began to see my husband from God’s perspective.
Until now, after 5 years of marriage, I still marvel at what God has done and what He continues to do. Things have gotten so much better in my marriage, and this is just the beginning. Every trial we’ve been through was necessary to produce this kind of marriage that we have now. Every trial that we will go through is necessary to produce the kind of marriage God wants us to have in the future. It’s all worth going through, knowing that God knows best.
Be encouraged my dear sister. Don’t give up now. If you do, you will miss one of the greatest miracles God can do in your life and in your husband’s life. You have been called for this purpose of being a help-meet, to see your husband through – to see him change and transform into the man who God created him to be. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be a living witness to that, so that someday you can share your testimony just as I am sharing it now? Hold on. God wants you where you are. He has your back. Keep trusting in Him. He will never fail you.
Lisa Maki is the founder, publisher, and editor of God'z Gurlz. More about Lisa at ...
http://www.godzgurlz.com/regular-contributors.html
http://www.godzgurlz.com/regular-contributors.html